How to Confront a Friend When you Feel Hurt by the Relationship

Fifteen years ago, I met Mia*.

We immediately hit it off and became fast friends. Within months, we were inseparable. Our mutual friend once lamented how unfair it was that Mia and I would go to a party and ignore the rest of the world.

Now, fifteen years later, we don’t talk.

We didn’t have a falling out. It was more like a gradual separation until we lost touch.

In the beginning, I found this really hard. I kept telling myself ‘I’m trying harder than she is’. I felt unloved, ignored, and sorry for myself.

Then one day I stopped telling myself that story. I realized that friendships, much like romantic relationships, come and go. Mia and I lost touch because life is made up of cycles, and we prioritize different things when we’re in different life-cycles.

But, I should have spoken to her about my concerns. It might not have changed the status of our relationship, but what if it would have? She’s not a mind reader. Maybe she felt the distance too, and, like me, made assumptions about it. Not confronting Mia has left me with doubts that have made accepting the end of our friendship harder.

When a relationship is valuable, it’s always worth having the difficult conversation. Avoidance doesn’t help, it just leaves you with hurt feelings and a lifetime of unknowns.

Nowadays, I don’t shy away from these conversations. Vulnerable conversations bring people closer. The risks are high, but not voicing your opinion means accepting a relationship that doesn’t work for you.

If you don’t know where to start, here are some general tips:

• Ask yourself, “why am I so hurt right now?” Give voice to the feelings and validate them.

• Rewrite the narrative you’re telling yourself. Instead of “they don’t like me anymore”. Try “I feel ______. The assumption I’m making is ________. Another explanation is ___________.”

• Write down what you want to say to that person. You need to be clear. For example, if you feel distance from a friend then texting them “I would love to see you” isn’t explicit enough. You should describe what’s going on for you and how it makes you feel.

• Figure out how you want to convey your concerns. Do you want to meet in person? Send a text or email?

  Remember, you’re expressing your feelings but not placing blame. Your experience is only one side of the story; be open to hearing their side too.

  If the other person ignores you, then you can still feel proud of yourself for expressing and valuing your own needs. You’ve also learned something about that person, which might make closing the last chapter a little bit easier.

  (*name has been changed to protect privacy)